I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize