im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
