11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
