i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Randomize
