Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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