I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
