omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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