Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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