I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
