The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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