I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Shame is for Republicans.
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