it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
