I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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