matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
So drunk its hurt
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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