Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
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Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
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Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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