I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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