So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
