Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
