my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
