ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
