I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
