every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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