Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
