Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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