just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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