When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
