remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
