I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just blew my weed a kiss
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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