why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
