but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
