just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
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I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
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I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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