you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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