I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*