Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
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You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
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if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?