I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
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Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
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Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
and you fell through a lawn chair