Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
