I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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