we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
