you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
