I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I fill condoms, not promises.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
