Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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