My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
We're too hungover to prance.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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