There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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