I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
