Someone shit on the floor
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
