I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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