Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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