haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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