Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
