Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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