I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
it's like heaven, but drunker
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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