How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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