i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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