I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
