She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
