the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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