I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
