Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
