he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
