i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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